Can't Get No ... Clarification?
By Matt Liar
Good day and welcome to NBC Plus, the fifth and newest major news network. Though surely confusing, we are not affiliated in any way with NBC News. At NBC Plus we update you on old news stories, plus we add breaking news that's so new it may have not even happened yet. In fact, "NBC Plus" stands for Not Been Corroborated Plus more.
Today's update takes us to Exeter where this angry anchor recently caught up with Sheriff Buford T. Poser for a behind the scenes look at IntoxiGate:
AaMLi: Mr. Sheriff, as the first to arrive on the scene, what did you see at Whose House Farm?
Sheriff: Well, anytime you live in a town full of rednecks and you happen upon a house full of yuppies, somethin' ain't adding up.
AaMLi: What did Caleb Chafee say when you asked him about the party?
Sheriff: He said he drank the Fifth.
AaMLi: And then he amended that statement when the State Police arrived?
Sheriff: No sir. He didn't say nothin' bout no religion.
AaMLi: Where as the drunked girl found?
Sheriff: I found her at the 24-hour truck stop on 102 trying to sober up on coffee and Slim Jims.
AaMLi: And so you personally found her and handled the case at that point?
Sheriff: Well, during the field sobriety test, she touched her nose with the wrong finger. So I had to fail her.
AaMLi: Any new developments to unfold since that evening?
Sheriff: I heard that Stephen Hourahan is moving out and Keith Richards in moving in.
AaMLi: That's a Plus story none of the other four networks own.
Sheriff: Ya see, Keith knows that the tax rate in Exeter is lower than a lot of other places. And he's setting up a recording studio for the Stones to work out of.
AaMLi: As part of their 50th anniversary celebration?
Sheriff: Yeah, and also as a tribute to the Beatles influence on the Stones. They're calling it "Portsmouth Abbey Road."
AaMLi: Well, that concludes our report from Exeter for now. We will return there as soon as Keith teaches the horses how to smoke. As for me, I had nothing to do with Ann Curry's exit. Remember, that's a different network! I also didn't have an affair with Natalie Morrales. That's one of those rumors like the old joke: How did Al Roker lose 125 pounds? He dumped Natalie Morales.