I just watched a show on Animal Planet called "Finding Bigfoot," where four Bigfoot investigators searched Rhode Island for this fearsome beast. This was the first episode that I watched and it was so horribly done that I would rather subject myself to the pain of watching the Patriots lose the 2008 Super Bowl again.

EAST GREENWICH TOWN HALL MEETING

After meeting with two Bigfoot witnesses who were as credible as the Milli Vanilli singers, the investigators headed over to our own East Greenwich Town Hall to hear what people have seen around this state. The first indication that proved that this was a set up was the fact that the investigators found a big empty parking spot on our own EG Main Street! Was it 6 a.m. Sunday morning? If they used all of their luck to find that cavernous Main Street parking space, then there was no way they would catch or see a Rhode Island Bigfoot.

HORRIBLE REENACTMENTS

Each episode has reenactments to show what the Bigfoot witnesses have seen. And it's the investigators who always get to play the part of Bigfoot, just to see if a human can do what the witnesses are describing.

If I were a witness, I would tell them that I saw Bigfoot slipping off a rock and falling into a murky swamp. And then I would tell them that I saw Bigfoot ride bareback on a horse and fall over the horse and into a ravine — all while trying to eat a live, squirming porcupine. That would add a little excitement and challenge to the reenactment, and make it enjoyable to watch at least one part of the show.

THE CONCLUSION

I think that the "Finding Bigfoot" show is a waste of time. The only show I want to see is a one-hour special called "Found Bigfoot," where they have a dead body or a live specimen in a cage. Then I would love to see them release the live specimen only to have it attack its hunters like the Sasquatch in the Beef Jerky commercials.

PLACES TO SEE SASQUATCH IN EAST GREENWICH

I was looking forward to seeing what spots in Rhode Island or East Greenwich had Bigfoot sightings but was disappointed by the lack of disclosure. So here is my list of possible places to see a 'Squatch in East Greenwich. Enjoy Bigfooting!

1.   Carrs Pond

It's so obvious that Sasquatch uses that little island in the middle of the pond as a secret lair. The investigators will never go there because that would be the end of their little show.

2.  Frenchtown Pond. 

There are witnesses that have reported a Sasquatch trying to catch that wily alligator that was seen in the pond late last fall. 

3.  The Bleachery Falls

The waterfall is so big that an entire Sasquatch family could take a shower under the falls. At least that would remove their alleged "stench."

4. Your yard!

This is any place where you have seen white tail deer. Everyone knows that Sasquatch consumes deer the way we eat ribs at the Texas Roadhouse. So if you have seen deer in your yard, then a Sasquatch was probably there shortly thereafter. And maybe Sasquatch is to blame for all of the dented mailboxes and unpicked-up "dog" poop as well!

Do you think Bigfoot exists in Rhode Island? Leave a comment ...