~What you need~

I feel hurt. Tired. Betrayed. Alone. Hopeless. Guilty. Passion. Sadness. But mostly I feel confused.

What can I take from the confusion? I think to myself I can’t believe other people have gone through death from the start of time. It just sucks. Honestly that’s the only word I can use, sucks. I don’t feel like smiling. I don’t feel like getting out of bed. I feel I act weird now. I apologize to people because I’m scared of pushing people away with my impulsive attitude changes. I feel sensitive and emotional. I feel like I will be stuck like this forever, this confusion. I want to make rash life changes. I am trying to get back to the place where I was happier. Even though nothing has changed around me but my loss. All the other people around me go about their lives, only difference is me, how I feel. I focus my energy on how to avoid thinking about it. It meaning death and all that comes with it, even just enough to catch my breathe. 

 I’d wake up and be disappointed with myself. I noticed I was falling victim to my own laziness, laziness that I closely associated with being unmotivated towards all aspects of life. I would hide under the guise of depression, used that as a excuse to excuse my behavior. It was very easy convincing myself what I thought was the truth, that I am a disappointment.   I lived in a fabricated state, mentally and physically where who I thought I was didn’t match up with who I wanted to be.

When I felt disappointment I would promise myself to never feel that again.  Next time I would do something, stop wasting time and be something. Use my time wisely and make it valuable.  But how? That was the elephant in the room.  How?

Sure as dogs bark I’d slip right back into the same routine of wanting to do more but never actually doing anything about it that moment. So in between that feeling of guilt, disappointment and depression I started using women, drinking and anger as a way to cope with my confusion. All I really was doing was using me.  

 I started to slowly know what I needed to get by. I learned to be with people who want to be with you.  People who you can show all sides too, those who don’t stress you out. Be around those who respect you and love you for you. If someone can’t be available mentally past a surface conversation, then they are not the people to be with. Be with those that you don’t have to be on guard around, those that don’t spend your precious energy working on their own dilemma, ignoring yours.  I placed an importance on being around people that made me feel more like myself. Every ship needs a crew to run it and ship makers to make them. Relationship or friendship needs to the same, working together to build something beautiful and healthy. You owe it to yourself, you are the one that gets to choose who you want in your life.  Be with those that compliment you, I have lost friends, gained many more. I removed those from my life that at the time consumed my time with selfish, trivial confusion.

After my dad passed, my tolerance for what I could handle form other people evolved.  I suddenly could care less about your trouble of running out of gas.  I would be jealous of other who didn’t share my pain.  That jealously would come out as bitterness and anger.  I wouldn’t be mean to a persons face about their troubles, I would sit and mull it over at inconvenient hours. When I was alone or at night, those annoying times when you have little distraction.  

I am not encouraging you to make a spreadsheet rating your friends, by all means do if you feel it necessary, sounds kind of fun actually.  I am writing about making little steps to understand yourself.  Understand what you want from you, what you can do now to get what you want later.  There is no magic switch you can flick on and off to get what you want.  Understanding your own needs is a long road with many tears and smiles, heartache and heart warming moements.  I hope you are able to find the extreme patience needed to organize your life around yourself.  Please remember to be patient with yourself and with others.  Life is not a race, ahead or behind you must stay true to you, that’s how you finish the race. 

Give enough of true self, eventually the world will turn in your favor & be yours for the taking.

~Happy readings

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