By Stew R. Dice-Clay
On columnist Bob Kerr’s Clemency Coach deserving newsmakers are creatively skewered. We never learn where or how people on that coach get off. Just that they always get off.
Those that take away life lessons from that coach should be commended. Those that don’t may need another kind of trip. Maybe where the innocent and guilty ride together in harmony in helping one another. Perhaps a ride that is cushy and wasteful but somewhat productive so that taxpayers won’t be quite as steamed when they find out they funded it.
Now boarding this private jet on the extended runway. Newsmakers: Please load as much carry-on baggage as your conscience can stand. And welcome aboard the Lear Learning Curve.
To earn a ticket on the Curve you simply need to be in the news within the last 18 months. Celebrities may be local or national. Today’s passengers include Governor Chafee, Deborah Gist, Jessica Ahlquist, Mayor James Diossa, John DePetro, Dan Doyle. Sheldon Whitehouse, Olivia Culpo, Katherine Webb, Brent Musburger, Donald Trump, Oliver Stone, and moderator Mario Lopez … and we’re off –
Mario – Governor, now that prom season is over can you explain to me how the topic of dance always seems to set off a new crisis in your state?
Gover – Well, first it was the grinding thing in Middletown. Kids there just don’t know how to be subtle like kids in West Warwick do.
Mario – What makes the kids in West Warwick so much more sophisticated?
Gover – They take classes at R.I. Grinding. It’s right near Papa Gino’s. For ten bucks you can get the Pizza ‘N’ Pole Dance Combo Meal.
Mario – Wasn’t the next hornets nest disturbance some kind of father/daughter dance?
Jessi – I feel Cranston should continue to allow it provided those in attendance agree to dance on the prayer banner.
Mario – Mayor Diossa, how would you go about diffusing such a controversy in Central Falls?
MayDis – I would just slick my hair back a little more and try to pass myself off as a Korean rap and dance artist.
Mario – The old Psy Fi bait and switch. Say, Oliver, are you still working on that theory about Dennis Rodman as the third gunman in the Kennedy assassination?
Olive – No, I actually just got back from Virginia where I discovered that John DePetro’s foot is buried right near his month.
DePet – I may have been off on that. But I will say that Katherine Russell claiming not to know anything about her husband’s activities is like Jane Russell claiming not to know anything about her 18-hour bra.
DanDo – Is this plane going to Florida?
Mario – No. Weren’t you already told not to go there?
DanDo – But it’s important. I’ve got a job there consulting alligators on how to swallow people whole before they ever realize they have been taken. I’m lucky I snuck on this plane today cause I told customs that I was Peter Boyle.
Jessi – May the Easter Bunny rest his soul.
Mario – Can someone fill me in one the National Education Silly LIttle Aptitude Proficiency testing.
DeGis – Oh, yeah! The NESLAP. It’s a riot.
Mario – What was the first sign of you sensing that your job might be on the line?
DeGis – Hearing that my legacy would be as “the lady who influenced a new and improved version of Jennifer Aniston’s ‘90s hairstyle.”
Brent – Deborah, I need you to hang onto your job to help me in negotiating my next contract. Either that, or I’m going shopping in Virginia to find a better fitting foot for my mouth.
DePet – I had forgotten how you outshamed me.
Brent – My unedited inspirational quote was, “For all you young fellas out there, if you earn the position of starting quarterback you get Miss Alabama. If you start at left tackle you get Honey Boo Boo.”
Mario – That is so offensive, yet so tempting for the Southern guys. For them Honey Boo Boo is a triple threat; uncivilized, uninhabited and underaged.
Brent – You are going to wind up in a Lynard Skynard song, pal.
KWebb – If they ever make a Stripes 2 movie, you’ll see me in the mud-wrestling scene versus Brent. Hey, but at least no one took photos of me underage drinking in college.
OlCul – Ah, shut up. So what if my dream of winning the triple crown of Miss R.I., Miss Universe and Miss Utah is toast. By the way, I don’t even count Miss America as one of my titles. That was a little stepping stone. It was like my Keno ticket in the Powerball of life.
Trump – If OJ gets a new trial, I think I can clear your way to the Utah thing.
Sheld – Before people hate on me more than OJ, let me clarify my ill-advised rant. I didn’t mean to say that Republicans are responsible for all these natural disasters. I meant to say that 98 percent of the hot air blowing into the Oklahoma funnel emanated from Rush Limbaugh.
Mario – Oliver, any final conspiracy theories before we land?
Olive – Yes. I’ve backing off what you had mentioned earlier. I now believe that Dennis Rodman and Alfredo Aceves are the same person. They both chose to wear #91 late in their careers. They act exactly alike. Do the math!
– I don’t think that any of the TV reality shows are staged. I’m confident that people in America really are that desperate and ignorant.
– I believe that the ban on gay scoutmasters is a right-wing conspiracy that will continue until a gay scoutmaster candidate fixes ObamaCare.
– I believe that if Mick Jagger and David Letterman had a baby it would be Sandra Bernhardt.
– I believe that Joan Rivers walked into her plastic surgeon’s office and said, “Can you make me look like Jack Nicholson as The Joker?”
– I believe that the Superman building in Providence should be the state’s third marijuana dispensary.
Gover – Great idea. And the building slogan would be “Superman Building – You don’t have to go to the top floor to get high.”
Olive – Amen.
Jessi – Praise be to Bunny.