Here's my update. I was married. I was separated. Now I'm divorced.
The last door that I needed to close was to move out of "the house," and begin my life in a new home. I moved last Thursday but not everything was moved out, and I needed to get what was left from the old place to the new place. I needed to get a mattress out yesterday so I had something to sleep on. Sit back and grab a drink, a hookah pipe, or some leaves, you'll need it.
My movers left a mattress behind in the guest room at my previous home which I needed in my new home.
That said, I took the girls back to the old house to get the mattress. Now keep in mind that my "transitional vehicle" is a Hyundai, standard type, so we get to the house and my girls jump out of the car to play ball.
At the same time, they're watching me pull the mattress down the staircase and out the front door. Confession here, the girls have seen me do many things over the last year and a half that I can tell you none of their friends' mothers have ever done or anyone else for that matter.
Okay, so you get the scene, right? My old neighbors of course are outside ignoring me while I drag a queen-size mattress with one grip handle left on it across my front lawn, but to my neighbors credit it may have appeared that I was drunk getting that "m*&$@r" across the lawn to my Hyundai with three dents.
My girls ran in the backyard in horror. It's okay I have thick skin, and after a few fall downs, yes together with my mattress, just not at the same time, I got it to lean against my car, so it was more like a fold than a lean.
I was feeling pretty powerful at this point because I had moved the mattress in heels ;-) then I remembered I did not have any rope. My neighbors who were outside watching me ran in their homes when I stopped and looked at them.
Think, think, think ... aha! ... garden hoses.
I got the mattress to the hood of my car (in London the hood is called the bonnet) jumped on the "bonnet" and pulled that well you know "m*&$@r" of a mattress on the roof (no sunroof, thank god) and I jumped off, yes in heels, and grabbed the hoses.
I wrapped those snakes around the mattress, through the windows, under and over the car, it was beautiful, the only challenge I had was shutting the doors, it was tricky but I did it. An hour later, I jumped in my car through the driver's side window and told the girls that I would be back soon.
I had one small piece of hose sticking out on the driver's side that I held onto with one hand while driving with the other – to ensure the mattress would not fall over the bonnet. I put my sunglasses on, put the car in reverse, held onto that one piece and poof! I was gone.
I drove three miles per hour and it took me 20 minutes to drive less than two miles. You cannot imagine the looks people were giving me on Main Street.
Some guy walked in front of my car stopped in the middle of the road, looked at my left hand holding onto a small piece of hose while the other hand was on the steering wheel, and shook his head.
I don't like to brag, but I could tell by the way his head was moving back and forth so fast that he was impressed with my creation.
I did have one close call. There was a guy riding his bicycle, you know spandex clown outfit-gear etc., and he did not realize that I was behind him holding a mattress with one hand and driving with the other.
Cars were whipping pass me, yelling, beeping their horns, and when this cycle guy looked behind for a second and saw a mattress with wheels was behind him, he jumped onto the sidewalk, made a fast right turn, and was gone.
I will tell you that EG people where flying by me and one gave me the finger. I was going to say hello back to her with the same finger but realized the mattress would have fallen off the car.
In summary, the mattress is in my new home on my new bed. I slept well last night. Especially after the wine I drank.