Can't Get No ... Clarification?

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Today's update takes us to Exeter where this angry anchor recently caught up with Sheriff Buford T. Poser for a behind the scenes look at IntoxiGate:

AaMLi: Mr. Sheriff, as the first to arrive on the scene, what did you see at Whose House Farm?

Sheriff: Well, anytime you live in a town full of rednecks and you happen upon a house full of yuppies, somethin' ain't adding up.

AaMLi: What did Caleb Chafee say when you asked him about the party?

Sheriff: He said he drank the Fifth.

AaMLi: And then he amended that statement when the State Police arrived?

Sheriff: No sir. He didn't say nothin' bout no religion.

AaMLi: Where as the drunked girl found?

Sheriff: I found her at the 24-hour truck stop on 102 trying to sober up on coffee and Slim Jims.

AaMLi: And so you personally found her and handled the case at that point?

Sheriff: Well, during the field sobriety test, she touched her nose with the wrong finger. So I had to fail her.

AaMLi: Any new developments to unfold since that evening?

Sheriff: I heard that Stephen Hourahan is moving out and Keith Richards in moving in.

AaMLi: That's a Plus story none of the other four networks own.

Sheriff: Ya see, Keith knows that the tax rate in Exeter is lower than a lot of other places. And he's setting up a recording studio for the Stones to work out of.

AaMLi: As part of their 50th anniversary celebration?

Sheriff: Yeah, and also as a tribute to the Beatles influence on the Stones. They're calling it "Portsmouth Abbey Road."

AaMLi: Well, that concludes our report from Exeter for now. We will return there as soon as Keith teaches the horses how to smoke. As for me, I had nothing to do with Ann Curry's exit. Remember, that's a different network! I also didn't have an affair with Natalie Morrales. That's one of those rumors like the old joke: How did Al Roker lose 125 pounds? He dumped Natalie Morales.